Work stressed but mostly doing ok

Sometimes I think I’m not really a team player at work, unless the team is under my direction and instruction of course.

It’s hard working in an environment when a lot of the people aren’t as serious about making their jobs easier by having some structure and organization within it. I’d after all kill for some organization in that place - and for others to want the same - but the only time anyone is interested in being structured is when the plant is in breakdown mode and someone is chasing the magical part or parts to fix it.

I hate these times just as much as I love it because I’m either going to be the girl who saves the day by finding what the workers need or the one who ruins it because I cannot produce what is needed out of thin air. It leaves me feeling like I am walking a very thin line between danger and safety and to be honest it is exhausting doing this balancing act each and every time on don on my uniform. All I can say is that my job would be a walk in the park if it weren’t for some of the people I have to interact with on a daily basis because I sure as hell don’t remember it being this hard when the old Maintenance Supervisor was alive and giving orders in the department. If anything everyone seemed a lot more nicer back then - less uptight, more open and friendly - but now everyone is watching their back and grumbling under their breath and it makes me miss a little of the good ole days.

Well I only have another few weeks of this before I’m taking a break for a few weeks and in that time I have a lot of planning to do so my job won’t be a mess when I come back to it. I’m not sure if they will have someone stand in whilst I’m away but whatever they do I do hope that I don’t come back with items deleted from the asset register because that would be really, really bad. I’m sure IT backs this all up but still, would be really, really bad if that were to happen. .

Because of work I’m really on my guard and I’ve been withdrawing myself from the world a little too. I think this is an automatic reaction whenever something is bothering me and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it so I just file it away in a place inside my brain for a later review and try to find things to distract me from it. Sometimes it gets me down but mostly I’m coping with all that is on my mind which is a nice change from my past reactions of mentally closing down and replaying the pain over and over and over again. Now however I wallow in pain for a little time and then I just simply push it away or back to wherever it generated from. I was wondering if I would ever feel back in control again like that.

Hmmm.. It’s late and I have to get up early. Sure am looking forward to Saturday and a long, long sleep in.

Video clip - I never liked you

Are you like me and like to play music that suits the mood that you are in? Well i have this one song that I really like to play in the car when a bit of road rage overcomes me and I need to be all RARRR without resorting to extremes such as crashing my car into another motorist just because they cut me off and couldn't bother to give way to me!!! (i'm just saying is all) I found a live version of the song and it's in HD (which is awesome because who wants to watch bad quality clips huh)

So without further ado this is my "Fuck you, I'm giving you the finger because you can't drive for shit!" song. (I'm feeling really GRRR tonight)

May not like it but someone has to do it

For something different I’m working a Saturday tomorrow. Stock take has been going really well, I’m actually enjoying it for a change because I don’t have to answer the phone nor am on demand for the Supervisors but we still have a fair bit of stock to count due to the unorganized nature that is our maintenance store and I offered to help out an extra day.

Under normally circumstances this store would be an organized affair with ALL stock marked clearly and catalogued neatly but it is not. Normally the store man would take care as to what stock comes in and would catalogue it immediately but two of them don’t. I‘ve had a hand getting a fraction of the store organized over the past year, in between doing other jobs I am meant to be doing, but then we got another store man so I figured he could work it out and left it at that. However this store man is now on leave for a month and his stand in falls very short of the mark. Hell the new store man fell short of the mark so it is now up to yours truly to continue on with the process and I really should of just finished what I had started because the place is a mess. No one really has any clue as to what item belongs to what asset and how much we should keep in stock at all times and they don’t care to learn either. Me on the other hand just loves knowing it because it’s useful for my own job to work well so I’ve taken an active interest but because of this I’m now always expected to always help with stock take because I know where some things belong. Oh well, it keeps my busy I guess.

This stock take however we were meant to have four people counting out everything - the Purchasing officer, myself, the Second in charge and the Engineer. However come Wednesday afternoon the Engineer had a little accident - a pressure pipe on the blower that shoots the coal across to one of our coal fired boiler blew a gasket and shot coal at his eye causing it to bleed behind the eye, hence he had to go to hospital and has been ordered to stay off sight till he is recovered - and the second in charge is too busy being a Supervisor and doesn’t want to count stock so that leaves just two of us.

We should have no problems finishing it off tomorrow but it’s just a pain that everything just has to go wrong like this.

It’s raining again. Definitely weekend type of weather. Unfortunately I have an early start instead of a long sleep in. I heard this the other day and I really like it.

A moment of peace

It’s bit a while since I haven’t felt sick to my stomach about one thing or another. Usually I have something pressing on my mind, something that is really worrying me and requires my attention (immediate or otherwise) but right now, right at this moment, I am at ease and it feels wonderful. Moments like these are far and few in between so I’m going to savour this ….

And while I’m doing that, have some pictures I took last week that I forgot about.

At last! A chance to blog

For a change my son is thoroughly amused with his imaginary play in his bedroom and has finally ceased his endless questions that I really have no answers for. I love how inquisitive he is and I mostly encourage it because if he doesn’t ask questions, how is he meant to learn anything, but it is awfully tiresome when you’ve just finished an 8 hour shift at work and you sorely need some caffeine in your system and probably a short nap to top it off. I’ve had around 4 hours sleep in the past 24 and although I’m doing fairly okay right now, I think I’m only running on pure adrenalin. Sooner or later I’m going to fall over and it’s probably going to be at the worst possible time. Like at work when the boss wants something of me.

Speaking of sleep I have to help do a stock take in the stores department later on this week. My main boss, the Engineer, volunteered me for the role because he knows that I know where things are in that place (because I’m stupid enough to pay attention because I like to know things) and that’s going to be challenging to stay awake through. It’s not like I’ll have caffeine on tap there though I probably could sneak in a flask of something warm if I‘m smart enough. Now there’s an idea. At least that idea will have merit if it gets any cooler. Lately however the daily temperature has been sitting nicely in the low twenties and it doesn’t at all feel like Winter is upon my doorstep. It’s kinda eerie. You know what else is eerie? Driving in the early morning, before the sun has come out so it is pitch black and seeing light shining in the trees (sort of like when you shine a torch in a tree) that could not possible be from your own car’s headlights because it’s too high and the angle of your lights doesn’t quite match it. Which reminds me, I need to change my RACQ membership for the other car.

Oh yes, there is another car but I don’t want to go into that because I feel like a spoilt shit for even bringing it up to be honest. Let’s just say it’s new, it’s red and it’s really fun to drive.

I may have to invest in a new camera in the nearest future. Lately all my shots on this one are coming out all grainy and crap looking. At first I thought it was me messing with the settings but I’ve since reset everything and it’s still all crap sooo.. It’s the camera? I probably should look more into it before I do anything drastic. The camera is about 18 months old so it shouldn’t be stuffed, right?

Dinner may be ready at this point and I’m so hungry I could eat a hippo. Better go and do that before it gets too much later.

Quirky behaviour

Don’t laugh but I used to fall asleep to the sound of ‘The Lion King’ soundtrack playing on my stereo. That’s back in the day when I still lived at home and I was a crazy skater girl (and skater I mean roller skates, not the board with wheels - never did get the hang of that). I love all the songs on the soundtrack - I’m having trouble not singing aloud right now even - and let’s admit it, how hard is it not to break into song when ‘Hakuna Matata’ is playing? *coughs* Yes, well… ANYWAY

No bike yet. A guy at work recommends I start with an 85cc which errr… mean absolutely nothing to me (kidding.. I know it‘s the engine size. I‘m not a complete air head you know). I actually want a 125cc though I could probably totally ride the Triumph I saw in that ad too (could easily reach the ground) but it’s a 500cc and umm… I’m truly not that insane as a beginner. We won’t go into the fact that I learnt to drive a manual car in aV8 XY GT with a top loader gearbox (it’s amazing the junk the mind retains) and a turbo charged ‘95 4WD Suzuki Vitara (which the heaviest fucking clutch because it needed to be). Heavy pedals are awesome by the way… ANYWAY… (I seem to be saying that a lot) The moral of the story is I haven’t found a bike but this person at work is hooked up with a lot of people and if something comes up, he will let me know, and I might get a good deal on it too.

At least that is the plan. I’m hoping someone will just give me something so I can stop having to do all this legwork. *L*

Oh crap. It’s now 10pm. *snore*

Ant and Becks wax video

I listen to these guys (Ant & Becks) on the radio most afternoons on the drive home from work and this is funny as hell so I just had to share. And just so you know, Tiko is this hitchhiker they picked up whilst travelling through Queensland up to Cairns and he lost his job, hence why he was on the road trip with the boys to begin with.

Note - 'The Rudd Trip' is in reference to the stimulus money that our lovely Mr Rudd decided to bestow on majority of tax payers in this country of Australia. They were meant to use that money (and only that money) to buy a car and travel up the Eastern coast. Instead the car was donated and they earnt their "fuel money" along the way...

Anyway, watch and laugh.

Change of address?

I think it may be time for me to start looking for some new stompin grounds and as much as I love this place, I'm beginning to wonder what next and ... yeah there are some other issues... Soooo I was thinking about buying my own domain (as I like having alot of control over when I blog) but i'm not too sure how much time I'll have to deal with that or whether it will be a waste of money anyway.

If anyone has some ideas throw them in this general direction.

Get your motor runnin

Soooo, I’m thinking of getting a motorbike.

[dramatic pause]

Oh yes, I’m fucking serious.

Let’s just forget for a minute here that I don’t actually have a license to ride a bike - because licenses are overrated these days, aren‘t they? - nor the fact that I can’t quite remember how to ride a motorcycle - I‘m sure I can learn that, I‘m up for some new scars anyway - and I’m not even sure if they have a bike that would suit a short person like myself - because I am vertically challenged, as the saying goes. Instead let’s just concentrate on the fact that I really want a motorbike and I’m getting goose bumps just thinking about the possibility of owning one and getting to ride it whenever I want.

The idea first popped into my head when I saw a for sale ad for an old Triumph posted on a notice board at the shops, going for a few thousand dollars. Before this I sort of thought of learning to ride just for the hell of it, something to pass the time, something to get my mind off all of the other things that are bringing me down and I needed something challenging. We have a few bike nuts at work and I was forever rolling my eyes at them whenever they talked about what Harley ride they were going on this weekend, what new piece of machinery they had purchased lately and but secretly I was sort of interested in wondering what that was all about. It did not fascinate me in the way it did them but the idea of learning something new, learning to ride, kind of did. But when I saw that ad, it was like electricity shooting through my body. Instantly I just knew that this was something I wanted to pursue myself and maybe it was more than just a whim. It was like a light inside of myself switched on and I found a piece of the missing puzzle of me. I don’t have any other words to describe it. It’s been a long time since I have felt that jolt of adrenalin. It was something akin to when I first discovered the wonderful world of cars and the rumble of a V8 engine.

To be honest, I’ve not been a huge fan of bikes in the past. I’ve seen a few accidents that had completely removed the idea of ever riding on a bike, pillion or otherwise, from my head, let alone wanting to own one. I’ve witnessed my brother running into a car - being tossed over the bonnet like a feather in the wind - seen pieces of a motorbike strewn over the road and surrounds after it was connected with a cattle truck and I know a guy who lost his leg - literally was torn off - when he was younger, after coming off his racing bike. It’s enough to make a persons skin crawl but even with all those warnings in the back of my head, I still want to do this. After all it isn’t safe to do anything these days, you can be killed at anytime of your life and nothing is as sacred as we would like to believe. So why hold off because of a little bit of a risk?

Funnily enough my dad used to ride bikes when us children were younger and I remember the thrill of being a passenger on those rides around the back yard - wind in my hair, my ear piercing giggles filling the air - and fighting my brothers for our turn on the bike. I was a bit of a tom boy in those days and not much has changed. I don’t believe my dad would approve of this however, I think he was turned off a bit after James’s accident, but he's not around and I think in some way he would understand my motives anyway.

Embrassingly yes, that is me on the back of that bike. No, seriously. That is me sitting behind my brother.

So here I am, browsing the web looking at that possibility of what kind of bike would be suitable. I may have to ask some advice of the crowd at work. After they finish picking their jaws up from the floor that is.

Music for thought

Wednesday’s mood music - not everyone’s cup of tea however

1. TNT - ACDC
2. Respect - Pantera
3. Time is running out - Muse
4. Crazy - Aerosmith
5. Sad but true - Metallica
6. All I want - Sarah Blasko
7. So long, goodbye - 10 years
8. Bad influence - Pink
9. Highway to hell - ACDC
10. Cemetary Gates - Pantera

Now for dinner.

Just, dont

Wow. It’s June already. I missed the traditional welcoming of a new month ceremony (the pinching and the punching, the slapping and the kicking) but I sure as hell didn’t miss out on the cold, biting wind nor the short showering of rain as I headed across the site on one of my many errands for the day. I’m not sure if it was at that point that I first realized that something wasn’t right with my mood or whether this feeling of unhappiness was simply echoing the weather around me but suddenly I just wanted to be anywhere but where I currently was. In fact I wanted to be at home, surrounded with my comfort food and my collect of DVD’s that I like to watch when feeling blue and I wanted to be there, alone.

Alone. I’ve forgotten slightly what that actually feels likes these days. If I’m not at work, than I’m at home and if I’m at home that means the kids at home too and there is just no time out going on because I’m forever being interrupted every few minutes with requests of one kind or another. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son but he can be a bit of a handful when he decides he wants things his way and I won‘t let him. It‘s any wonder I stay up late just so I can do something for me for a change.

But this isn’t why I’m feeling a little blah today, though it probably is a problem I should address at some point before it does become a huge issue, I’m just kind of really pissed off actually - some days I can literally feel the fury flow through my veins and I have to stop myself from unleashing that on some poor unsuspecting person who crosses my path - , at some people in general, of how they have treated me, of how they continue to treat me and I’m loathe to care about it but the thing is I do still care and I wish for fuck sake that I could just switch that feeling off. I wish they knew exactly what their behaviour felt like on this side of the fence so that they might just stop doing it to me because I don’t go out of my way to be cruel, even to those who fucking well deserve it. Hell knows I should … but I don’t.

Sometimes, people are truly blind to any pain but their own……

But I reject sinking to that level, as strongly as the pull is to just act badly because it will make me feel somewhat, if not a little, better. I just can’t do that anymore. I just want to stop feeling this irrelevant. I want to stop replaying cold words over and over in my head…. I want to just stop.

And it makes me angry as all hell that I let this happen again. I should of just stuck to my original story of stone silence instead of letting anyone in. I should have been able to recall quite vividly how painful and soul destroying this process was the last time round and …. Heh… this is just so fucking pointless….

Just don’t walk into my life if I’m not significant enough to keep around. Just, don’t.